First day on my week of moving up to working 50%! How did it go? Well, I walked home after three hours. Headache and felt so drained on energy. Although I did pump out another hour when I got home, and had some time to “cash in” from last week. Honestly – this doubling from 10 to 20 hours a week is scaring the crap out of me considering I still felt like shit after having worked 2,5 hours. 2,5? Yes, you see I work Monday and Tuesday, and then I’m off Wednesday for recovery, and then at it again for 2,5 hours Thursday and Friday. It was my work counselor that suggested I did it this way. Which now means 5 hours, 4 times a week.
Anyhow, my doctor thought it would be good for me to try it out although I’m quite skeptical. Not going to end up where I started just because the doc think I’m ready. If my body is shutting down on my, and I’m implementing every trick in the book I know to not overload myself, it’s just not ready yet. But no one would be more glad than me If I’m able to pull it off, and I’m eager to find out! I have two weeks until I’ll meet up with my doctor to evaluate. And I have a responsibility towards myself and my recovery to stand my ground. I know I could easily push myself to do it, just because I could, and old Alex absolutely would. WORK MORAL!
BUT, I’d like to think that I’ve grown past that kind of decision making, and that I’ve actually learned something from this journey. I, AND ONLY I, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS AND NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT THE RIGHT STRATEGY IS IMPLEMENTED. And that goes for you too my friend. Speaking of YOU, I just realized today after reading another person’s blogg, that reading about other people’s problems are very uninteresting unless there’s a clear voice with the reader in mind. And Frankly, I don’t know If I can pull that off without making this a big project. Need to think about that. Or I’ll just keep it a bit diary-form, and probably only serving a self-fulfilling purpose. Is that even the right word to use in this context? I’m very tired today, and I’ve already had a nap, and I could easily go for a second. Would love to see a bit of old energetic Alex back now, but he for sure seems distant.
I guess I’m a bit beat down today. I’ve researched so many areas lately and come to realize that I’ve got so many areas with issues I need to deal with if I want to get this exhaustion permanently taken care of. And part of me is excited about it, yet another part question how the fu*k I’ll be able to deal with it all and wonder where to start. And the more I research with the purpose of understanding, I realize how little I know and what a journey ahead of me I’ve got. Although, as I’m writing this in this very moment, a grin spread across my face. The obstacle is the way (great book by Ryan Hooliday btw). This is my path, this has to be done, and I know I’ll enjoy the journey. I love learning new things, and I love sharing it with other people so they can benefit as well. I, you, just have to learn to love the process.
For instance, I’ve now started to watch one video daily from Crash Course playlist on the body. Great watch and so exciting to get to learn and understand the body on this very detailed level. But more importantly; It’s my body, and it’s not until I deeply understand what happens to it when I load it with chronic stress, that I actually am able to break my bad behaviors causing the stress. This might not work for you, or maybe it is and it’s worth a try. I strongly recommend you watching the two episodes about the parasympathetic and parasympathetic at least – vital for understanding stress.
That’s it that’s all – for today.