Yes. I’m an addict. I’m addicted to the excitement and thrill I get out of work. Pushing myself. And the same goes on a physical level – A hard workout, damn I love it. I LOVE IT! Everything that put’s a strain on my body. For god sake, I have a youtube channel that for the most part has been focused on facing my fears. And I haven’t missed a single day of workout for the past 30 days even though it has made me feel like a smashed bug on the windshield afterwards. If that isn’t the behavior of an addict I don’t know what is.
“Addiction is a brain disorder characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli despite adverse consequences.” – Wikipedia
Brain disorder – that’s a bit ruff isn’t? I don’t got no brain disorder…. HMPF!
Getting back to the point. Insight and clarity – that’s what I just got after having watched about eight minutes into the YouTube-video where Dr. Joe Dizpenza goes through what stress does to your body and how we as a society are addicted to the destructive behaviours that cause this chronic state of stress. (For now, setting aside the more ‘spiritual stuff’ he also promotes, but the man does bring some good stuff to the table. Sometimes you just have to cherry-pick). And even though it wasn’t really any news, this time it just got to me. Like a fist reshuffling my face, gently but decisive.
Actually, I’m done here. I want to finish watching the video I just mentioned. But I just had to stop and take in the message, to let it settle. I believe for the first time I was truly emotionally receivable for the truth and take in the fact that I’m really compulsively doing this to myself. Staying in a burnout state as a result of my deliberate actions on a daily basis. That’s tough to take in, to accept. I mean, the shit hit the fan over a year ago and I first started to realize a change was needed, because intellectually I could see and understand that what I was doing did no good, but it still didn’t lead to a big enough change.
I still, honestly, treat myself like shit (tough love?) because the abuse continues. Daily. I’ve fooled myself by thinking I have changed and learned by doing a few minutes of mindfulness and meditation regularly, going to some yoga sessions once and a while, and not always(!) having and audiobook streaming while simultaneously doing something else to maximize my productivity level. But I’m still there, overdoing it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be totally blasted after having worked 2,5 hours at my actual employment, and fearing what going from 25% to 50% worktime will do for me when that happens in a week.
I tell myself stories to protect my addictive – destructive – behavior, because then I get to keep doing my drugs. Because I like my drugs, very very much. Oh, the kick I get out of checking a box on my to-do-list, or running to work in bellow celsius degrees when it’s pitch black outside just so I can start working before everyone else. Goddamn, I love it. BUT, do I really love it more than life itself? Because I’m killing myself here.
All that’s a long way of saying – addictions & destructive behaviors are tough and sometimes you really need to hit the bottom 2-3 times, pouring some gasoline all over you, striking a match while also forcing yourself to watch horses run around a track (we call it V75 in Sweden) to finally make the coin fall down. I GET IT NOW, I NEED TO DO SOME (TOUGH) CHANGES. Starting tomorrow, I’m not going to work out. I’m just going to walk for 10 km. tops. Yeah, I know, but it’s a start.
Anyway, here’s the video if you want ot watch it: https://youtu.be/MtimAuhyP-M